(Poem) When Love Takes Over

The books are piling up again
on the kitchen table where
I submerge myself in the
countless assignments required
in my courses each semester.
There's a microphone now
so I can articulate my French
thoughts, as if my thoughts in
English aren't enough.
The coffee cup a staple
over these coming months,
but an even newer element
lays on the table: distraction.
Romance is a blessing when
it has no struggle for existence.
Love is a cherished thing
but it can consume the tame heart
and the rational mind becomes
uncertain and confused.
The emotions not surfaced
in eons almost, are here now
and need my attention.
They need to be nourished
and cared for or those
books on the table,
that 8-year old child
in the next room, or
that job I attend every day
will cease to have meaning
when love takes over.

Summertime Thoughts

It's been a while since I've checked in here. This has been a very busy summer so far. Work has been non-stop lately and of course I always feel that twinge of melancholy when I define my place in my current position versus the work I want to be doing. Don't get me wrong, I have made enormous strides at work, learning and mastering many job tasks, now feeling a sense of competence and completion. Despite that, I am beginning to imagine work where my daily purpose is instrumental in changing lives, helping people, and making an impact on individuals' futures by helping them to help themselves.

Ever since I could remember, I wanted to be a criminal attorney. I was young and I felt so many were victims of the justice system. With that, I felt I had a responsibility to defend those who were innocent and could not defend themselves. Basically, I wanted to be a public defender but soon discovered - shattered at the reality - that most people are guilty of what they are allegedly charged; I would never want to be in the business of freeing criminals. Rehabilitating them, yes. So probabation and parole became my next focus. Even still, I walked away from the criminal justice program and never looked back. I've since taken it back up, and I'm only 5 classes away from finishing my AS degree. Will I continue further and get my BS? Working full-time, going to school part-time and taking care of my daughter is taxing and time consuming, but since I do enjoy school and the advantages of online education, I will rule nothing out. Social services has caught my attention but knowingly a challenging environment to work in. I do see the benefits and the personal rewards from knowing you are giving people the tools to succeed. They did it for me time and again throughout the last eight years.

Okay, I may have gotten off on a tangent there for a moment but essentially I'm feeling that question loom large again about who I am and what I was meant to do. Sure, in these economic times we should be grateful to have a job to go to everyday, but the desire to do something more than just go to work is again rearing its head. I don't have the answers to the passion I feel to do 'good' work but I know if it is destined to manifest in my life, it should come to pass. However, I am a firm believer still in the fact that we are our futures and we make it happen. Opportunity is often the divine intervention.

And then of course, there's the writing I miss... the poetry I have not written in months. Working with numbers has beefed up the left brain activity where the right brain is seemingly on hiatus, hoping it returns soon.

Aziza is having a great summer. She is having fun in her summer program she attends every day. They take trips to a golf course (child size golf course - 6 holes I think) once a week and always have some other kind of field trips planned. Swim everyday and fun with friends has made it nice for her but I know she'd love to be hanging out with mom and friends at the pool every day, or just out riding her bike, no schedule, no plan.

She has started gymnastics again after taking a year off from it, and after only 3 classes, the coach just told us she is ready to advance to the next level. She was so excited when I told her! She finally did her handstand and that was the ticket. Cartwheels are looking good! I hope she sticks with it, enough so that she feels good about what she can accomplish and has fun with it.

I guess that's all for now... Hoping my next blog post will not take so long. It's really finding the mental energy to formulate my thoughts, when often-times I'm in robotic mode with less and less time for reverie - my favorite pastime! = )

A poem: It is Death

I smell you,I feel you
but you are merely mist.
You died the other day
and I am dead since then.
The door will open,
the phone will ring
and for a brief moment
it is you, until the
memory comes flooding.
I can only taste
the salt from my tears,
feel the ache in my chest
and an overwhelming
sense of gone.
Cannot touch you
cannot see you;
you are like dust swept away,
words erased from a page.
I am alone now
standing in a crowded room
with everyone but you
and I can't see them.
Does your heart still grasp to life,
searching frantically for yourself
wanting to breathe, to live
but now you simply drift?
I sit in your old chair
the imprint of your soul remains,
the sound of your voice
still sounds the same.
Is it better to leave
than to lose?
One day I will know
and I will see you again.

A poem: Moments

Sitting on my new sofa
Plush velour upholstery against
My skin, I am reminded again
Of how alone I am.
I look to my right
And see you sitting there
Looking back at me
Without a worry or a care.
You look at me
And for moments
Frozen in time
This is real
We are real,
Touched by the magic
That only love is
Made from.
Angels upon our shoulders
Nudging this love
Bringing souls together
Where nothing may hinder.
The bond unbreakable
The love unstoppable
And in the deep gaze
Where our eyes meet
The blaze is great
And it lights
the way home.

A poem: The Day After

The day after
another breakup
is the loneliest day.
Passing the phone
wanting to make that call.
What, and say I’m sorry?
No, I can’t do that!
The IM fuck you
was the last of the
crazy things he was
going to say to me.
I’d listen on the
failings of his father,
dead some years now,
and the girlfriend
who tortures him so
but fears her wrath
If he left her.
So here I am
standing in a pile
of his shit
and now I’m
covered in it too.
I wanted him to
know what to do
stand up, be a man
tell me that you love me
and let the others
go to hell.
No chance of that.

A poem: Summer Sleep

The night is warm
sticky on my skin
I lye in bed and
imagine the coolness
of a breeze rustling
through the trees.
I’m tempted to roll
in the thick summer grass
wet with dew
at this late hour,
cool and soft to the
touch of my skin.
I move across the room
and turn on the fan
its motion like
taking in a panoramic view.
It moves the warm air
but emits a sound
that calms me, and
quiets my mind.
In this tranquility
like sedation,
I’m restful and
sleep is mine.

A poem: Lost

In the crowds, in the eyes
the distant strangeness
echoing loneliness.
Like a mirrored reflection
the truth shines a light
on darkness and it looks
back at me, now revealed
and more unknown than before.
It’s as if I have landed
On a new star and
I’m the alien entity.
Tears stream from my eyes
Gushing down my cheeks
I can barely breath
But the air is fine.
I’m in a cocoon
But can’t unravel
Spring free
And run home.
I am lost in space
And the echo
From my scream
Is silent.

Summer is Underway!

I haven't felt much like writing lately, although I think about it all the time. Being so busy a lot, it leaves little room or energy to sit down at my computer and pound out some words. I was feeling unusually tired, only to find out that my thyroid was acting a little sluggish again, so my doctor increased my dosage of Synthroid. It's been about a week, and I'm feeling more energetic.

I have been indulging in a great book called The Hungry Season and it really fills the void. T. Greenwood has a beautiful writing style that simply and effortlessly carries me from one chapter to the next. Pages fly by and I'm amazed. I love that I'm reading again. During school semesters it is hard to catch up on leisure reading as I'm inundated with textbook reading.

Aziza had a meltdown this past week one day when she was leaving a friend's house. Seems all the friends that were there have siblings, and to her that means they always have a playmate. True, true... but they also get under each other's skin just as much and that she has no clue about. However, I realize being an only child, she will have those longing feelings for a brother or sister. Since I'm not going to be able to magically produce one of those, I think a pet is the best option for her. We need something small, low-maintenance, stink free(as stink free as we can get), and cute. I thought about hamsters but they are not as friendly with kids, will bite more often than not, and they do make more of a stink mess. Gerbils on the other hand have much better reviews. Plus, being social animals, unlike the hamster that can be solitary with no issues, they love to have a companion in their cage, and love to bond with people. I only hope I can get Aziza comfortable enough to touch them and pick them up. She's very skittish about most animals, so maybe I can break her of it. We head out this morning to pick up the little guys (and I say guys because they advise to buy them in pairs - makes for much happier gerbils).

Not much on the dating scene for me; staying away from it for a while. The drama and disappointment is more than I can stand, and quite honestly, I'm content alone. Sure, it would be nice to meet someone special that really complements me and my life, where we make each other happy. Why wouldn't I want that but I can't make something happen. Like everyone says, "It's all in the timing." Well, that's fine but I'm done watching the clock... at least for now.

Aziza starts her summer program this week at the Boys & Girls Club and it should be lots of fun for her. Plus, this year they take the kids ages 8-12 to the Endwell Greens Golf Course where they can learn to play golf on a child-size 6-hole golf course. Can't wait to get the feedback on that!

I'm looking forward to our next summer weekend getaway! Thinking Lake George would be a great place to visit. I've never been there and I think the fun and attraction of the area would be perfect for Aziza. Would love to do it this 4th of July weekend but may have to push it off just a little bit. Plenty of time - two whole months of summer to go!

All for now... wishing everyone a terrific summer as it gets underway!

What's a girl to do?

Father's Day hasn't meant a whole lot to me in the recent past. My father died 21 years ago this past May, and my daughter has not seen or heard from her father in 8 years this August. So, every year Aziza and I do something nice together, even if it's just spending the whole day together being lazy, we're at least doing it together. Today we shopped, polished each other's toes and we ate some of our favorite foods. With the heat outside the way it was today, we were content to just hang out in the air conditioning after shopping.

This past week I posted on how excited I was to run into an old co-worker since we seemed to have a similar attraction to each other. Since that posting, this man, this person, whoever he is, proceeded to send me e-mails over the course of the 2-3 days after I had drinks with him that were crude, obnoxious, disrespectful, and essentially self-centered. I was totally shocked... he was nothing like the man I spent time with for two hours last week. That night he was open, a gentleman, interesting, a little funny, but mostly he appeared to be a genuinely nice guy going through a tough divorce. What the hell happened? If he wasn't interested in me, geez, say that... but I don't think that was it. He just seems to not care about how he affects people and especially has no interest in being a real person. I was beside myself, feeling like I was fooled. When it comes to men, I am a fool, especially if I think there are any good ones left. Be happy for your boyfriends and husbands because it is ugly out there, and whoever is single has a very slim chance of finding happiness again. I'm not saying it can't happen but these men are single because they are divorced or have never married, and they are not the cream of the crop - I can assure you.

So, what's a girl to do? Well, I'm here writing, I got myself a couple of good books to pull me into another place, and I'm thinking about taking up canning jams and jellies as a hobby. Had to write an instructional manual on it this past semester, so I've pretty much got the process down. Just need the berries! Summertime is a great time to have fun, take trips, spend time with friends, and cool off near the pool...so being in a relationship during this time is perfect, and I'm in one, with my daughter!

Wow, where have I been?

This is the first night in probably over three weeks that I've had the time to sit down, collect my thoughts and begin to share some of the recent happenings in my life. There's always something going on, for us, and those around us.

Work is moving along smoothly but still wishing in the back of my mind that the dream job will arrive. A dream job being one that satisfies my soul and gives me a place to make a difference. I'm all about change and making things better, and when I'm working somewhere where the status quo is all I have to work with, I lose my get up and go.

Aziza is thrilled of course that we are in the home stretch of 2nd grade, and looking forward to a fun-filled summer. We were able to get away over the Memorial Day weekend to get to the beach but it did not turn out as planned. I got horrible sunburn on my legs - and I mean really bad, swelling and awful pain - and Aziza got lost for the first time. It was the scariest 15 minutes of my life, both our lives I think, but thank God we found her quickly, safe and sound.













Aziza finally received a Citizen of the Month award at school, and boy was it time. She was really beginning to develop a negative self-image, wondering why she wasn't a good enough person to be Citizen of the Month. Too much for an 8-year-old to process. Thankfully, she got it. See her beaming smile on the occasion? I'd pay any money for that smile to always be there - actually, I somewhat almost do! Aziza is the one on the right, sporting her shiny pink shorts and black sparkle Pro-Keds.













Been out in the dating scene again and meeting more unfavorables. I did however meet up with a former co-worker, who I had a huge crush on and who was pretty flirty himself, BUT he was married then and I was not taking the bait. We have always kept in contact, with him trying a couple of times to bring me back to his company but it always fell through. Well... we spoke again just recently, only for me to find out that he has moved out into his own apartment, and the divorce proceedings are under way. I never thought I'd be so happy to hear about two people getting a divorce, but I've had my eye on him for almost 4 years and he's finally available. We met for cocktails and talked, and we both know what we want - each other. Someone pinch me... is this really going to happen?? Am I finally going to get the man I want?? I'm trying to contain my excitement at the thought of what real happiness might mean, but I know I have to keep it in perspective until... well, until I have real reason to lose all reason! I will definitely keep you posted!

Unfit Parents: There are Too Many

Lately, I have been hearing more and more stories of how parents lose custody of their children because they're not fit parents, for one reason or another. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like to lose your children, and the subsequent hurt it causes them. To speculate, maybe those parents are so messed up and consumed with their own personal dramas and troubles, they can't feel the pain of losing their children. On some level, I can further speculate that they see it as a relief, since they were not handling them very responsibly anyway.

Still, I can't fathom getting myself so bogged down with dramas and troubles that it causes me to lose my daughter. I was never one to get in trouble in my 20's but was definitely in need of greater focus and taking more responsibility for my life. If anything, having my daughter changed my life. It gave me more purpose and a sense of greater strength to be more responsible, focusing on our well-being the best way I knew how. It brought out the better in me. And sure, there are times I miss how carefree I once was, but that was who I was then.

I've recently met a woman, close to my own age, and I think she has three children, all of whom live with someone else, perhaps the father or fathers. That is uncertain. What is certain is that she has lost custody of all of them. Now she lives with an ex-boyfriend, and they are both being evicted from their apartment in less than two weeks. She knows they are going their separate ways but has no idea as of yet where that is. She seems like a good person, just not very good to herself. And I can't say what has caused her to lose her kids, but when you're in court for one thing or another, and needing to always borrow money from anyone who will lend it to you, something is seriously wrong. I feel for her but clearly she is either confused about what is right and wrong, or has a blatant disregard for the distinction. How do you arbitrarily make significantly bad, very bad decisions that affect your life in seemingly irreparable ways? The damage oftentimes cannot be undone. I can only feel sorry for her kids who can't know the comfort and security of having a stable and nurturing mother in their life.

Overcoming Challenges

It's not as easy as it sounds but we've all experiened them at one time or another, and some more than others. Life is full of challenges; it's what fosters our growth, pushing us to be better than we are. Sometimes the challenges come disguised as unfortunate circumstances, but are really opportunities to overcome a situation, turn it around and be stronger for it. Sometimes those unfortunate circumstances come along to force us into a new direction, to force us to do or change something about our lives that we had become complacent about. Sometimes the challenge is in making a commitment, one that you've always feared making, or learning to do something that you've always felt you can't do. And that something new is seemingly an overwhelming challenge, but you know if you just push a little harder, the sky will open up and it will be a clear day.

Ever since I became a single mother, my life has been full of challenges, all of which have made me into the strong, independent woman I am. And the challenges come in phases. Once you overcome one, there is another just beyond. With overcoming a challenge, there is a satisfaction period where you can be proud of the hurdle you've just jumped, and sit back on your laurels until it's time to jump again. My new job is in a field I wasn't terribly familiar with, and it's been a challenge learning all the ins and outs, since the one person that knew the full scope of this job, is no longer there. So many days I'm left searching for answers, and it can be frustrating having to teach yourself how to do something with very little guidance. And early this week, I wanted to scream, or cry, not sure which was more, but by the week's end, I had uncovered some key issues in my job processes, and I started to see the light. I can only hope next week is equally revealing, if not smooth sailing. The challenge is painful sometimes, but the rewards in overcoming them are invaluable to our self-esteem, and our self-confidence. So don't shirk the challenge when it comes your way, despite how daunting it appears... greater things are just beyond the horizon.

Sometimes it Comes Back

Wandering around the yard
I found a piece of my childhood,
a piece of that summer when I cried
because I couldn't find my favorite
ball, the one with the swirling
colors and metallic shine. That ball
bounced as high as the sky,
or so I thought back then.
In retrospect, there is a smile,
a bit of laughter, and maybe
even a few tears. A tear for
the loss of days gone by, a tear for
remembering when our heart
felt its first hurt, and a tear
for the hope we still have,
although it fades with time.
But after all these years,
I found my ball;
what will the universe
return to me next?

21st Century Dating

Dating... if that's what you want to call it. It's nothing like it used to be. It's all online, a virtual reality of intimacy. Connecting, or thinking you're connecting, with someone who could be anywhere, doing anything, while they're typing flirty, erotic lines, thinking this is what a girl wants. What?? If you've ever been approached online, say at Myspace or Facebook (which I thought was safe until I was IM'd by a FB friend that was drunk and looking for a little online action. He's been defriended!), you know what I mean.

Sure, those creepy guys that used to come up to you in a bar wanting to take you home, or at least find out if they're able to take advantage of you because you've had one too many drinks, are not in the bars anymore. They're online, like idiots, thinking that they can get satisfied having virtual encounters with women right in front of their computers. I've been privy to these types of conversations, and I can tell you first hand, they're entertaining initially but then it's just plain stupid. Do you really think women want to carry on virtual sexual relationships? Christ, if we really knew this person, we might not even want to stand too close him. But that's the beauty of this online crap... the mystery of reality and the intrigue that it creates. You know what? It's a fantasy, it's a fallacy, it's a facade; a cover made to look like the real thing you want and need, but is actually just a virtual representation of it, which couldn't be further from any truth or reality. God forbid they should attempt a real, genuine encounter - one that may lead to true intimacy that can be felt and explored.

When you get right down to it, it's insulting and it's humiliating to have someone approach you online, thinking you're there so they can get off. And yes, that's a crude way of saying it, but that's what it is, and I didn't create it or make it that way. This is the evolution of dating, and quite frankly, it sucks.

Raindrops

Standing beneath a summer's sky
I can barely feel the rain
falling on me,
as it descends
from up above.
The warm, wet droplets
land in my path,
I can almost see them
individually, as some collide
and some never
touch another.











Aren't we all just
raindrops randomly falling
into each other,
colliding, touching,
and maybe some
never touch at all.

The Last Night

On the night of
our ended friendship
the thunder pounded
and the rain poured
like your anger,
filling the night,
the day.
You watch out
the window
waiting for the news
that you no longer
have to suffer,
but what would it mean
to be free
and no longer
be imprisoned
by today's shadows
and yesterday's ghosts?

Back to Writing!

I can't believe it's been over a week since I've updated here. I was swamped: new job, finals at school, evening commitments for Aziza, and just keeping up with life despite the sudden rush of stress. I'm thrilled to be back to work - the people and the job are great - and I'm ecstatic that this semester is over. I enjoy school a lot and can't wait to finally get that long-awaited degree, but it can be consuming, and this semester's courses were consuming. I have two more semesters to go but I have already taken the more challenging courses, so going forward may be a little easier.

Eager to get back into writing my blog posts, creating poetry, and finding that happiness that comes from playing with the words. I miss it. It hasn't been long but it's been long enough to notice that something in my life is missing. Feels like a piece of me is missing and I need to reach out just far enough to pull it back in.

I'm not dating but have been invited to a wedding, and the soon-to-be bride thinks she might be able to fix me up with a nice young uncle. Hoping he's a cute, young uncle! Either way, I love weddings and it should be lovely. Plus, I can't remember the last time I did the chicken dance! lol!

However, I have been spending a lot of time e-mailing and texting someone that I knew while growing up, and it's odd to be communicating with him as much as I am. Will it go anywhere? Probably not, He's smart, very sexy, and a gourmet cook - not too many men I can say that about. But he's just divorced and unsure of what he wants. Plus, he lives a good four hours a way, which makes it difficult to know if something serious could happen. Time together is the only way to figure that one out, but for now I have to have fun with it and not take it seriously. And that stinks really because I'm ready to get back into that commited place, which was off-limits for years in my mind. Well, if not the childhood friend, then maybe it will be the young uncle. I'll find out soon enough! ;-)

So far...

It has been a crazy week, but I want to fill you in completely, so as soon as this week settles and I have a moment to collect my thoughts, I will share it all with you. Between the new job, finishing school this week, Aziza starting baseball, and my 40th in just a few days, there's a lot to talk about.

Keep you posted!

-H

A poem: "Tick-Tock"

Standing outside your door
I’ve noticed the grass grow
And the snow fall
On sleeping trees
That wake in the spring
Bursting with leaves.
How beautiful your street
That I’ve noticed while I wait
But the door it never opens
Like a locked palace gate.
I’d like to be your friend
Real ones, I don’t have many
Please open the door
So we can laugh and be silly.
It’s just me out here
Holding one of my books
Do you see me from the window?
I think I saw you look.
Meet me on the sidewalk
Or even down the block
But please come out of the house
Time is fleeting, Tick-Tock!

What's with all the yelling? Seriously?

We went to the book fair/ice cream social tonight at my daughter's school. Aziza had her friend Lily over, so I took them both. I hadn't been to many school functions in a while, and it was nice to get out and see familiar faces. I know they say that you should maintain contacts and get out to network and socialize when you're unemployed, but the last few months I was feeling a little introverted. Not to mention, it's hard when people know you're unemployed and ask how that's going and did I find a new job yet? I tried to avoid that. Things have since changed, and I'm officially back to work as of this coming Monday!

Aziza picked out a few more Hannah Montana chapter books. She loves them now after getting a few for her birthday back in March. She loves to read and I try to encourage with books that challenge her reading abilities, and with stories that keep her interested. What 8-year-old girl doesn't like Hannah Montana anyway?

It was nice, the girls got their books and a poster for each of them, and we all had ice cream while sitting with another mom and her daughter, who is one of Aziza's best friends. While I was sitting and chatting with the mom, there was a mother at a nearby table screaming across the cafeteria at her kids to "get over here right now because we're leaving!" All the kids were playing, no one was really out of hand, and not to mention, it had somewhat emptied out and many had left to go home. Aziza's friend's mom and I looked over as soon as we heard her yell, and then tried to conceal our laughter. The mother was clearly just yelling like she always yells, I'm sure. She sounded pretty fierce for someone who has a 3rd grader and a kindergartener.

What's all the yelling for anyway? It was a beautiful, almost summer-like night, the kids were able to pick out some books they enjoy reading, and there was free ice cream for everyone. How can you have a problem there? I mean, even if you have problems - and we all do - let them go for that short period of time and just enjoy the moment. We just shook our heads in disbelief, thinking the same thing - how ridiculous! And not for nothing, but I did hear that mother yell at her kids when they were picking out books too. Seriously, what's with all the yelling?

Aside from the one screaming mother, it was a nice time for everyone!

The Word No

I don't know about you, but when someone tells me no way, sorry, nope, can't do that, or just plain no, I'm pretty certain whatever it is, I'm not getting it or it's not happenning. And I think it takes quite a long time to grapple with this, come to terms with the fact that we can oftentimes be powerless in situations that are important to us, where someone else controls that outcome.

It could be requesting time off from work for a special trip or day's event you might have coming up, it might be wanting an application for something to go through sooner than you've been told it will, it could be finding out that you have been denied a loan or entry into a school you had your heart set on. It could be any number of things really where we're told, "No, I'm sorry." And sometimes they tack on that "I'm sorry" but does it help? Not really. But as adults, we hope anyway, we have come to accept that life will oftentimes have moments of disappointment, or other times when we just don't get what we want. Internally we may be whining and wanted to yell or cry or react out loud, but this is a learned behavior to accept what it means when someone tells you no.

Unfortunately, it's not that simple when it comes to children. They want what they want and they are unconcerned with "why" they can't have it. And yes, they will act out, they will beg and whine, they will get angry and throw fits, or they will attempt to overthrow your authority and demand that you say yes. Not likely but I have to admit, there have been times when I've been pushed so far that I've caved. The battle is too much to bear sometimes. And of course, there has to be some yes in the face of all the no's that kids are subject to. It's not because we like to say no to them, but it's for their own good, or because they can't have and do everything they want or that pops into their heads. But making them understand the word no is not easy. I always say, "If I say no, that means I mean no." It doesn't mean that I'm going to change my mind to yes when you beg, whine and yell.

For example, Aziza asked me just yesterday if she could have a sleepover last night at her friend's house. It was Thursday, it was a school night, and honestly, she shouldn't have asked in the first place. She should really know better. But she pushed and pushed as far as she could. Of course, I refused to budge, trying to keep saying no, maintaining my calm and humor, despite the fact that she is relentless. Shouldn't saying no be clearly understood as No? If you've ever caved even once and changed your answer to yes in the face of the yes/no controversy, they have amazing memories for that stuff, and will do their best to yield similar results. But in reality, such a small word, that should carry so much more weight, has been redefined as weak as kids try to constantly overcome it, and get you to change it to yes.

Keep it consistent and keep explaining why it's no and hopefully they'll get it. We remember hearing no as a child from our parents, our teachers, or anyone that could disappoint us, but we learned that this small little word of no creeps up more than we'd like but we deal with it. And I know my daughter will get it, it's just a matter of when??

First Day of Training

Wow, I didn't realize just how much accounting work would be required at my new job, and no, I'm not complaining in the least, just thinking of all I'll be learning. Today I got quite an earful from the person I am replacing, Mary Jo. Nice, nice lady, but has been there 11 years and I think she just wants to quit working full-time. We covered lots of ground today in the 3 hours I was there, and it was exciting absorbing it all, feeling like a sponge. There's nothing worse than not being able to understand what someone is trying to explain to you, where you become confused and unsure. Luckily, it went much smoother than that. Whew!

I'm actually very pleased that someone is training me and walking me through everything. Many positions I've held in the past, I had to train myself, and it just made getting into the job that much more challenging. I'm sure with this job there will be a lot of "Huh?" and "Yikes! How do I do that?" but I think, ultimately, it will all fall into place. I feel confident about that.

But I can't seem to ignore the small little dig-like comments Mary Jo has made about Tom, my new boss, her soon-to-be ex-boss. It makes me wonder what's the real reason she's leaving. Wonder if she'll confide in me before her last day on Friday. Oh well, I've got bigger fish to fry - learning time and billing, remembering payables and receivables, preparing lengthy financial statements(ugh!!), all while becoming super friendly with Peachtree accounting software. Learning something new is always a challenge, but it can be a fun one. I see very good but slightly bumpy roads ahead!

A new job... FINALLY!

When I got laid off from IBM after Thanksgiving last year, I was glad to be getting some time off but concerned about how much time that would be. Knowing how the economy has been, and the fact that this area of Broome County, NY is not exactly dripping with jobs for the recently unemployed, I was definitely concerned, maybe a touch worried. I stayed hopeful and optimistic, and applied for everything that I seemed remotely qualified for. However, there seemed to be fewer and fewer jobs to apply for.

So yeah, I've been thinking of relocating to the Albany area(much better economy!), which I've mentioned on here in an earlier post, but I am very happy to say that we won't have to. I am so lucky to have landed an administrative position in a small CPA firm right here in town. My daughter nearly burst one of my eardrums when she screamed with sheer thrill! She LOVES this town, her friends, her school, and everything and anything else about it.

I'm content now, I'm on calm waters, stable ground. There's nothing worse than fearing your own financial demise, as you go through your savings praying it will carry you long enough to find new work. I'm fortunate that we didn't have to go that far, and my unemployment carried us.

With my birthday coming next week, and yes folks, it's my 40th, I can feel free to go out and buy myself something special! Feeling very grateful today!!

So Proud!

Aziza came home from school today with this last quarter's report card, and I couldn't be happier! Not only is she excelling in all her 2nd grade academics, but her teacher highly praised her writing abilities, and her storytelling skills. She appreciates how Aziza understands how to use different types of punctuation to strengthen her stories. She says her stories are funny and well-written.













I am surely a proud mommy today!

What Kind of Religion Do You Need?

Next week Aziza has to attend her friend's communion ceremony. I think it will be the first time she's ever been in a church. We don't attend obviously, and it's not because I'm of another faith, but because I'm somewhat averse to all the religions. I do have my spiritual beliefs, closely resembling Buddhism, and they don't include the need for church. I've tried it in my past, attended one of those all-in-one brand of Christian churches. Their incorporation and acceptance of all faiths seems the most logical.

I once joined a church. It was in Elmhurst, Queens and it was called New Life Fellowship. They had a corporate organizational structure, great singers and musicians, and the pastor was youthful, energetic, and on the money in a lot of ways. He brought the ideas of faith into everyday modern situations. He was easy to relate to and connect with in his sermons.

I went alone every Sunday and sat quietly in the back waiting for the pastor to begin. I liked what he had to say, and at that time I was looking for someone to say just the right thing to me to pull me out of my funk, my dream state. Someone to show me the real world and then tell me how to deal with it. It was a good place, and although I somewhat dragged myself there, it felt right.

Until one day, too many people were curious about me, like they decided today was the day they were going to recruit me officially. People came up to me asking if I wanted to attend church meetings at their homes, or join their bible study class. I appreciated the offers but when they said I would make a great evangelist and wanted me to consider joining the group, I knew it was time to go. I attended one more time, I think, but sat up in the balcony section so they couldn't easily approach me. After that, I decided if I had to hide from them, I'd never be able to simply come and get what I needed. My needs were basic: to listen and hear the insight.

I never really attended church again, although I spent quite a lot of time sitting in Catholic Churches when it was quiet and empty. The high ceilings and almost haunting acoustics in Catholic Churches are ironically soothing, especially in one particular church, Our Lady Queen of Martyrs in Forest Hills, NY. In that church it was easy to find solace. It was there that I discovered that true religion, or spirituality, is at its greatest in times of true silence.

Aziza has mentioned that she believes in God and Heaven. She believes that in Heaven you can travel very fast, go anywhere you want, but you can't have your favorite snacks anymore. She says that's okay though because you really don't feel like you need them. I was so happy to hear her tell me this one day. I thought, "How does she know that? I never told her that." Maybe in little bits here and there, but never a real discussion on it. I just told her, "You're absolutely right, Aziza."

Emotional Writing

Writing poetry can be a beautiful experience, feeling the words so deeply as they pour out onto the page. There is a real emotional connection with the words in poetry, and in the fullness of the entire expression. Because the expression is so brief, it is more comprehensive and intense. The words don't leave you conversationally, like slowly oozing out, but instead, every word has a distinct purpose and meaning, in which you feel each one. I've experienced the feeling of completeness at times when a poem was finished, and then other times I cried because the magnitude of emotions compacted into twenty or thirty short lines can be emotionally overwhelming.

Before I began writing on this blog, my only outlet was poetry. I barely wrote any prose. I thought why do I want to write prose when I can say it so perfectly, so succinctly, and with all the imagery and intensity I need the words to have to tell my tale. Lately though, I feel as if I'm having more of a relationship with the words than mere brief intimate affairs - how I would characterize the experience of writing a poem. I'm enjoying the dance and the conversation that prose allows for in writing.

Writing prose is somewhat new to me, but reminiscent of when I used to journal write every day, almost all day. I didn't let anything go by without recording it somewhere. I'd carry a notebook with me on the train, while I sat at the library, when I sat at the park, everywhere really. Especially late at night was when the real thought began and I would just write endlessly. It was a part of me; it was me pouring out my emotions and reactions to the world around me, and the world within me. Everything just seemed so significant, I didn't want to leave one tiny bit out. I literally went through tons of notebooks in a 2-year time. Probably why I have so much trouble holding a pen and writing now. My handwriting is deplorable! Thank goodness for my laptop!

Prose writing seems to soothe the soul and it also excites the soul. Every day I wake up thinking "What should I write about today?" I can't wait to express something new. I'll be at the grocery store or driving in the car, and I'll be thinking of ideas. Sometimes I just love the act of typing and seeing the thoughts come to life, where words are not just words anymore. They are like allies and we're a team, as they help shape the story, share the feeling, and express ideas and visions. Am I a fiction writer? Probably not. Real life excites me, and the ability to take real life, share it, and have it mean something for others. That's what I love about writing. Not so much to entertain people, but to share and connect with them.

Poetry is and has been a true love of mine, as writing it has guided me out of some dark emotions, helping me free myself of them. However, I am suddenly infatuated with the friendship that prose offers me. Allowing me to talk and express feelings, situations, observations, or just be able to banter on about the absurdities of life, and we know there are many. The words in prose have the time for that, as do good friends.

Ain't Eight Great?

There are some days I think I'm doing a good job, and then there are days when I feel like I can't connect with my daughter at all, like she hasn't heard a word I've been saying. I say to myself that it's getting easier doing the single mommy thing as she gets older, but the truth of the matter is that, on some days, if not most days, it seems harder. Sure, potty training is over, she can dress herself, brush her teeth, ocassionally put her toys away, and she can even get her own snack when she's hungry - even though she has this way of requesting I "bring" it to her. Children sometimes confuse parents with room service clerks, and this is definitely not a hotel.

But even though all those early years challenges are out of the way, there are all the 8-year-old challenges I deal with today. They come with increased attitude and demanding expectations. Now it doesn't help the situation that she's an only child and I'm Jewish - ugh, the guilt! She doesn't have any siblings - even though they would probably fight, it's still someone to love to hate - and she doesn't have a dad. Two primary reasons I've always tried to be the friend and the parent, even though many said it can't be done. They warned me that it could backfire.

Aziza is a good girl, she's smart and funny, and she loves playing with her friends. However, the attitude I get from her sometimes is hard to take. Everything she says has a higher pitch sound at the end of it, like she's expressing her irritated lack of patience whenever I ask a question or attempt conversation she'd rather not have. And then there's the "Yes, I am doing it!" or "I'm going!" or "I need you to come right now and do blah, blah, blah..."

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I didn't feel like one of my daughter's employees, and I wish I didn't have to be the one always enforcing the rules. The power struggle between us becomes more and more of a struggle as she grows and becomes more independent. I want her to act like a 'big girl" and be independent but not at my expense, and definitely not directed at me in a rebellious way. I guess it comes with the territory.

There are many days when we laugh, joke, watch TV shows she loves, play games, and eat snacks together, and then there are days when she's this pouting, demanding little girl that has very high expectations, and difficultly dealing with situations that do not go her way. I keep my wits about me, try to keep a cool head, and as I hear myself begin to preach, I see her slowly tune me out. She'd rather just say, "Okaaay, I'm sorry" and then have us forget about it. How do I know if she understands why she's saying sorry or what she did that warrants an apology. I mean, she's a smart, intuitive girl but she definitely lacks the ability to see her own faults - what 8-year-old can? Maybe my expectations are too high?

On days when I'm emotionally exhausted, I take deep breaths, and I find time to write. Writing has always been cathartic and therapeutic and I'm glad I have it. Doing a little more yoga couldn't hurt either!

Cohoes Falls in Upstate NY (Cohoes, NY)

Wow, this video really does the falls justice. Mere picture is nothing in comparison. Simply beautiful!

The Spindle City

I've gone from trying to get Aziza to stop crying whenever I mention we might be moving, to "when are we moving? I really want to go to that Harmony Hill school!" What a catchy little name... almost makes me want to relive the elementary school days. They have awesome programs for the kids and small class sizes to ensure each child gets just the right amount of attention.

A site that I use regulary is GreatSchools.org It's an excellent way to get a birdseye view into different schools when moving to a new area. It has all the pertinent statistical information about the school, and oftentimes it will have reviews from parents. I'm sure I want to move to the Albany area, but really a small suburb or town outside of it would be nice, and this site helps me to make that decision. As any parent knows, it's critical what school your child attends, and we definitely want to choose what's best for them.


After I showed Aziza pics of the Cohoes Falls, I felt like I was just reeling her in. She started asking when we could take a trip up there to look around, see the school, see the falls. Cohoes is a quaint town, from what research I've done into it so far, and I think we might like it. Nothing definite yet has been decided, but at least I have a town in mind. Cohoes, NY is often referred to as the "Spindle City" because of how textile production played a major role in the town's growth. Textile manufacturing has definitely slowed down and predominently moved out of the area, but it has been replaced with other types of small business that keep it thriving. I like their public pool and the free swim lessons provided by the Red Cross. Small towns are nice that way. It's certainly a nice town worth checking out.

Mornings

Every morning I drop Aziza off at school, come back home, eat an adequate size bowl of cherrios, have another cup of coffee, and stare out my kitchen window - the window that faces the parking lot behind my building. And across the parking lot are some smaller apartments with balconies, and each morning I see the same man sitting out there, smoking cigarettes, and maybe waiting for his small line of wet clothes to dry. A little while later, he takes his morning walk down the length of the parking lot and then around the block I presume. I usually don't track him once out of my kitchen window view.

And then I sit at my laptop, like I do every morning, and think, "Okay, what do I want to write about today?" And I am pacing myself. I have trunkloads of buried stories from the last four decades of my life that I know would widen even the most usually unaffected eyes. But I'm pacing myself. Will I ever sit and write the book about the absurdity of my life, and how I know I should have been the girl riding horses, her own horses, and living a life where there was no screaming and constant fear, but instead calmness and logic, and perhaps even love. A life that had been filled with options and possibilities, and the support from a family that I only saw in other people's homes. Families I studied, and questioned to myself, "Why can't my family even somewhat resemble the normalcy I see here?" I was filled with many questions.

I'm looking out my kitchen window and the view is not altogether inspiring but it depicts where I am right now, and it is my motivation to seek out lovelier views.

Dating and Doctors

The last fews days I didn't hear from Dave, the guy from Walmart, and honestly, I was content with that. After our last "date" I was not all that interested in getting together again. But he just called a little while ago, and stupidly, I answered the phone.

As I approach 40 in the next few weeks, I'd like to at least say that I've finally learned to be honest and up front with people. I usually am but I find it so hard to tell someone, "no thanks, I'm not really interested anymore." I know it will hurt their feelings, and their ego to some extent, and I just don't want to be the cause of that.

Too bad I've committed myself to coffee on Friday with him. I should have just ended it when I was on the phone just a short while ago, but he said he had a bad day, was having trouble sleeping, and was happy to be talking to me. How could I have told him just then? He was sad and seemingly vulnerable, talking about how his ex-wife has introduced their 5-year-old daughter to someone she is dating. I guess the thought of another man spending more time with his daughter than he does, is quite painful.

I should be nervous about my appointment with the cardiologist tomorrow, but surprisingly, I'm not. Not everyday you go see a heart doctor, but I'm good, really. Maybe my heart just needs an extra dose of romance. You think he could jot that down on his prescription pad? The ever-elusive mystery of true romance cures all that ails. Honestly, I think it might.

Making the Move

I remember eight years ago when I left my husband to move upstate NY with my daughter who was just 6 months old at the time. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I was scared. I moved to a town where I didn't know a soul, I didn't have a job and I had a small baby to take care of. And for the first few years it was tough, as it was hard to find a good paying job, and Aziza needed so much more than I was able to give her. Her father was essentially gone and not someone who could help take care of Aziza. But hey, I did the best I could; I developed an independence and a strength I never knew I had in me. I went beyond who I thought I was was and became so much more, doing things I never thought I could.

But here I am again, faced with the daunting challenge of moving to a new town, not knowing anyone, hoping for better opportunities, all the while trying to figure out where everything is. In the wake of this, I need to maintain strength and confidence for Aziza so she knows we're ok, so I know we're ok. But when I look back over these past years, raising her alone in a small town, I think I kept it together no matter what the challenges. I know I always gave her a home where she felt safe and happy. Those are definitely important things, but she deserves even more than that, and so do I.

Moving away is definitely going to have its share of sadness, as Aziza loves her friends, her school, her town. But for me, I'm always looking beyond the hills, wondering what's better out there for me, and for us. And I know there's better...

Cell phones make our lives easier. Period.

At one time I was so against cell phones, thinking they were going to control us, and you know what? On some level they do. And it's not just verbal communicating, it's the incessant texting, which I thought was merely the beginning of the de-evolution of the written language. But okay, I've started to come around. I see the necessity, the convenience, and I see how it makes us more efficient communicators. We can plan better, meet better, connect better... it has many advantages. Plus, the texting, if not done to excess, is a very expeditious way to communicate.

This past weekend, it really hit home how important a cell phone can be, especially when plans seemingly go awry. The fast communication makes it easier to troubleshoot and avert awkward situations. Let me give you an example of what I mean.

I recently met this guy named Dave. He works at Walmart, and his daughter used to attend gymnastics with Aziza. Everytime I do my grocery shopping at Walmart, he'd come up and say hello and chat briefy, until one day he asked me out. We had coffee once and it went well. However the next date... not so good. Since it's hard for me to date and get out, I try to work around Aziza's schedule, like when she has playdates or parties to attend. Anyway, he offered to do my grocery shopping with me, as a way to spend time merely, while Aziza was at a birthday party. I found it odd but sweet in some way too.

So I take Aziza to the party at noon, only to realize that I screwed up and the party starts at 1pm, but I've already arranged to meet Dave at Walmart at 12:30. Does Dave have a cell phone that I can call him on to tell him we need to move our afternoon excursion to 1:30? Of course he doesn't. So at 12:10 I have to drive to Walmart, hang out with Aziza in the foyer and wait for him to arrive to give him the update.

Okay, we head to Barnes and Noble to kill a little time until I have to take Aziza back to the party. When we're ready to leave the bookstore, we head into the parking lot and Dave says, "I have to go into Dick's Sporting Goods to look for something, and it shouldn't take me long." I said, "Okay, I'll take Aziza to the party and meet you back here." So basically, I agreed to meet him back at Dick's. But you see, if he had a cell phone, I could call him, or even send a quick text, as I'm returning from the roller rink, to tell him to meet me at Walmart. But no, that would just make too much sense. Instead, I get back to Dick's, have to park the car, go inside, and then proceed to walk around the store until I find him. I just don't know how we wasted so much time before we had cell phones. After all that, I knew this was not going to be any romantic walk together around Walmart. I was too annoyed with the ridiculousness of how this day was shaping up.

As you could probably guess, we walked around the grocery store like an old married couple that hasn't seen the sites of romance or flirting in 20 years. I know they say grocery stores are a great place to meet people, but please, don't schedule dates there! Not only that. If you don't have a cell phone, get one! They're not so expensive anymore, and they come without the committed plans. If you plan to date, have kids, have a job, have a life... you need a cell phone!

New House Rules

Now normally our home environment is pretty lax, as I try to keep it light and easy-going since it's just Aziza and myself. But lately, not sure if it's her turning eight or what, but Aziza has become very argumentative, disputing everything I ask her to do. Either that, or she says, "not now" or "hold on" or "I'll do it later," and of course the best one of all is, "But my favorite show is coming on soon... can't I stay up and watch it?" It's endless with the excuses and reasons for not doing what an 8-year-old little girl needs to do.

I finally drew the line. I dropped her off the other morning at school, came home and typed up our "New House Rules." To realize my need and creation for these rules, you have to know that I deal with issues like too much snacking, going to bed too late, waking up too late, not getting the homework done, excessive TV viewing time, etc...I think you get the picture - typical stuff but still very frustrating. Being a single mother can be no picnic. There's no one to say, "Your mother's right, Aziza, it's time to go to bed" or "Aziza do your homework." Just having someone there as an echo to what you are trying to enforce, goes a long way.

So here are our New House Rules, and I have to say, with the exception of her small additions to it (she needed to feel like she had a say in it)and her requirement that we both sign the rules, she actually respects the fact that they are in place. They make sense to her and it gives her parameters, and me too. It helps me to stay on track, so I don't lose sight of the rules. And since I have posted them in more than one place in our home, I don't think either of us will be forgetting them anytime soon. So here they are:

1. After school you may have only ONE snack – choose wisely.
2. After school outdoor activity is encouraged: Riding your bike, walking, the library, the park
3. Homework is to be completed before dinner.
4. ONE Snack is permitted after dinner at about 7pm, providing all dinner was finished.
5. Television viewing time is over at 8pm EVERY school night.
6. Bedtime will be 9pm and NO LATER on school nights.
7. Morning wake-up time on school days is 7am, so there is time for breakfast, and to get ready for school.
8. We will leave for school NO LATER than 8:10am(she needs to be there by 8:25, and we are arriving at maybe 8:24 every day).

These rules are basic, and seemingly fair, and so far she has been following them. In addition, I've reserved time from 8-9pm every school night after TV time is over for us to do something together before she goes to bed. She likes knowing that this hour I'm all hers and that we're doing something she wants together.

Kids definitely need limits, they like rules, it helps them to understand what is expected of them, and it provides for a secure, consistent environment. I'm definitely going to make every effort to continue with this as I think we may make some real progress in achieving an even more harmonious, less stressful home life. And with little things like these, it should be manageable - I hope!

Cancer

Seizing life, clutching it,
turning it gray and cold
but not before it
courses through vessels
like poisonous snakes,
devouring tender insides
like feasting on prey,
turning hope to hell
and love to loss.
Why cancer?
is the question as smoke
fills the air with a haze
of death, where breath is
faint, almost gone. The
outside walls are untouched,
undiseased, still, and live
free from the hostile attack,
unlike when soldiers die
their unnecessary deaths,
unable to be saved
as there is no cure for
the disease called war.
And there certainly
can be no peace,
no heaven, no hope
when it is assured
that the battle will
almost always be lost.

Days Gone By

Every time he looked at her
Every time he spoke to her
he saw a sweet, fragile child
with a lover's crush, yearning
but too young to know
what love was. He sensed the
gentle pounding in her heart,
the passion; so brand new.
She captured his gaze
and entranced with her eyes
but he was older and
only smiled with kind love,
not with the desire
she wanted to be ready for.
Her ache was his silence.
She tried to grow, to change
to become the woman
transformed from the
longing little girl
of days gone by.
But as she looked in
his eyes now, there was
a dullness, an emptiness
and not the radiant
gold flecks that once
melted her heart.
Had she waited too long
to come back,
or was she seeing
for the first time
what was always there?

Into the Night (poem)

Barefoot and breathless
I ran through the
thick darkened forest
following a light,
a shooting star, or
fragment from the moon,
either way
I must find it soon!
It flashed before my eyes,
dancing in the sky
like a butterfly might
playing with the night.













Scurrying like a mouse
on fallen tree brush,
feeling little pricks
piercing under foot.
It was on this night
a clear and starless sky
it emerged from the darkness
glowing like a firefly.
I search and search
but sleepy I am
and out of breath
I rest my head
against the comfort of
an old tree friend,
and in the early morning
what to my wondrous delight
I awaken to find
dancing beside me
A spirited, sparkly sprite!

Sunday Whispers

Sunday morning has always been that day when inspiration strikes, epiphanies come to life, and there is more self-realization. It's like a higher consciousness is trickling down information in little bits, bringing the picture of life into greater focus. For me, usually at an unexpected moment, I understand what small greatness has come my way. And not to say that what is imparted is a valued material thing, like tickets to a show, or those great new shoes I've had my eye on, but it's insight - perceived by a thought or feeling that comes over you independent of yourself, and it always feels wonderful. Like how my daughter felt the first time she realized how to ride her bicycle free of training wheels. It frees us from perplexion or confusion.

I believe life is a schoolroom where we have to listen more than anything, as we are given answers, answers that bring truth, comfort, and greater calm. Learning how to navigate through this complex place we call life is very challenging at times, but if you listen close enough, and are receptive, there is guidance and direction when it is most needed.

A New Poem: Faith in Medicine

A believer knows what's true
in his own heart
allowing the bleed
to unbleed as those
dressed in white stand
over this believer and
take their eight years
of acquired knowledge
and fix the bleed, repair
the hole, remove the mass.
They do it with swift motion
unblinking as they embrace
the insides of humanity
while most fear the
truths of how
our bodies live,
and how they may die.

Feeling good on this Tuesday!

Today, looking good so far. I received excellent news from my local breast center that in fact, I am breast cancer free - always good to know! I was nervous when they called me back in for additional pictures, but my worries have been laid to rest. It definitely pays to go sooner than you think you need to - early detection is everything!

Also, was ripped off by a fraudulent, Moscowian Internet-based company on Easter Sunday - of all days. Those crooks essentially sold me a Trojan virus disguised as security software - how nice of them! However, after submitting a fraud report today with my bank, I was assured that I should be receiving my money back very soon - all $106!

One final and very HAPPY note. I have a coffee date with a cute, smart, creatively talented drummer next Wednesday. It's just coffee and maybe a stroll, but hey, I am SO hopeful here. Love those deep, soulful musicians!

Hope you're having an equally pleasant Tuesday!

Change (Poem)

Time moves swiftly
as we transform our figures,
revolutionize our thinking,
temper our love.
Everything changes:
the seasons,
the skies,
even the ocean tides.
Political figures,
high school teachers,
college majors too;
without change
life would never feel new.
We’d wear the same old clothes,
watch the same old TV shows.
Our jobs would always be the same;
no promotions, no acclaim.
Every thing that touches our lives
would simply remain
if there was never change.

Staying Calm, Feeling Cool, Looking Collected

How many times have we heard that? Calm, cool, and collected. And every time we do, we get this mental image of someone who is composed and has it all under control. The calm is what perplexes me... how to stay calm sometimes when circumstances call for losing it bad. The panic ensues, the heart pounds a little heavier, there is the instant flush to the cheeks, and then there is the full-blown irrational thinking. If I didn't know I was talking about stress, I'd say that sounds a lot like the symptoms that occur when your secret crush asks you what time it is, or if the copier is working. The mouth and tongue just can't seem to form words together... it's a mess. Don't ask... I just know about these things!

Anyway, there is nothing worse than seeing those scary pop-ups telling you, "YOU HAVE A VIRUS AND IT IS GOING TO TANK YOUR COMPUTER ANY SECOND!!!" Okay, that's a slight exaggeration but that's the internals talking. That's how we read it. How about when you take your car to the mechanic for an oil change and they say, "Have you ever replaced the transmission in your car?" Is that supposed to be their subtle way of telling me I'm going to need to? Right then, I'm in panic mode, thinking "Oh my God, how much is that going to cost? And how do I know this guy evens know what he's talking about?" Still, he knows more than me in this instance and I am at his mercy. Not feeling calm, cool, or collected at this moment at all.

How to overcome it? It's not easy. I was panic girl for a long time, and it literally drains the life out of you! It takes time to learn to stop the immediate panic that is about to set in, and try to think about the situation as if it is not happening to you. Then try to minimize its significance by thinking about all the better things that are going on, and the grander picture of your life. Minimizing is key, and seeing a solution instead of a problem that is about to consume you. There's this talking to yourself that takes place, and you say, "It's okay, let me just try to fix it" or "I'm sure there's a way to handle this."

The dryer died last week at 8:00 at night, a school night, and I had two loads of wet laundry to deal with. I didn't lose it, I didn't focus on how mad and frustrated I was, but I got Aziza, put all the wet clothes in the car, and we went to the local laundromat and dried the clothes. I brought a book, she brought her DS, and we sat there and waited for the clothes to dry. What else could I do, right? "Just deal with it" is my main motto that I try to reiterate to myself when anything seemingly insurmountable comes my way. And each time I avert panic, there is less panic the next time, and even less the next.

So, I'm going to keep keepin' on with my self-therapy, and who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one people are looking at and thinking, "How does she stay so calm?"

Is it a dream or are those sirens I hear?

What a day. It began at 6:30 this morning as I was woken by the siren sounds of ambulances coming down my street. I thought for a brief moment, that moment in between dream and reality, that I was in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Lifetime Television airs the reruns three times a night, from Monday to Friday, and I am hooked!

But no, the dream quickly lifted into a surge of panic, as I jumped out of bed to see where the sounds were headed. In not too long a time, I soon noticed that they had come to my neighbor's door, and left just as quickly. There was no one on the gurney when they returned to the ambulance, and there was no one they would be taking with them to the hospital. So soon after their departure, the sobbing, the moaning, and the desperation in her voice began. My new neighbor of only one month, had woken that morning to find her 33-year-old husband dead in their kitchen. He was young, he was a probation officer, he had a wife who loved him, three small beautiful children, and one big addiction to prescription pain medication.

The police combed the house for drugs. The wife, the children, were not permitted inside the house. No, the wife could not sit by her dead husband, while the agony of her loss ripped through her chest. The children were quickly sent away to be with other family members, should they dare see how their father looked at the end of his life.

About three or four hours later, there was quiet on the street, the body was taken away, and the wife has not yet returned home, where the life she knew, no longer exists.

Update: Aziza rides a two-wheeler!!!

Two-Wheeler Troubles

My daughter, Aziza, is having a very difficult time getting rid of the training wheels. She tried to ride a two-wheeler again today, but only found herself sweaty, frustrated, and about to yell at the bike--yes, I said yell at the bike! She got off it and just let it just fall to the floor, like she wanted the bike to feel the pain of crashing down on the sidewalk. Obviously, she was was pretty upset with it, and that was the worst she could do to it. She's convinced that the reason she can't ride the bike is because the "stupid bike" keeps making her fall over.

With her brows furrowed and arms crossed, she stayed that way the whole ride home from her friend Emma's house. Biggest problem is balancing and unfortunately, right now, she thinks it has nothing to do with her. "The bike won't stay up!" she says with exasperation. "Yes, I know, honey, but that's because you have to keep it up," I tell her. Poor kid, I know it's not easy. From what I can remember, holding the bike steady without tipping over as you try to steer, was no easy feat for anyone the first, second, or even the third try out.

She just turned eight and it has to be bothering her that some of her friends can ride their bikes without training wheels. She knows it's time to learn, but I wish she wouldn't give up so easily. I told her, "See yourself riding the bike without the training wheels, see it in your mind, and it will happen! Have confidence and don't give up and you will get it!" Then I said, "Okay, want to try again tomorrow?" She looked at me with a "What are you nuts?" type look, and simply said, "Nope." Oh well, I'm sure we'll get it... eventually.

Where the Road Begins

At twenty-seven I started to write poetry, not very good poetry, but nonetheless, it seemed to soothe my soul. As time moved on, I wrote more and more, always poetry, and then other times I would keep a daily journal. I carried a small notebook everywhere I went, and I would furiously write in it all the time. It was my way of recording what I was seeing in the world, and then my feelings about it. It was therapeutic, cathartic, and enlightening at times.

I remember going to a few psychics over the years, and each one would ask me the same thing, "Do you write?" Each time I would be amazed that they picked up on it. They told me to keep doing it no matter how much I felt like giving it up. They said if you continue with it, you will be published one day. Now that is very vague, but why mention writing? That would have been too lucky a guess. Anyhow, of course they never told me when this would happen. They can't really. Time is something that has so many unexpected variables, it's easy to get hung up where things will take longer than they should have.

I've never forgotten what they said though, and I keep that in the back of my mind, believing that maybe one day I will be good enough, and have the confidence to move forward and go after it. To have a written work published is probably the greatest achievement for anyone who loves to write. It's a validation, a symbol that it's real and not just a notion in our minds. That book is somewhere being pulled off the shelf, and someone is gently thumbing through the pages to get a feel for it, see if they should take it home. They're holding it in their hands and they're reading it. It's real.

Being a writer - Is it a dream we can't let go of? Is it a destiny of some divine plan? Is it a passion we can't shake from our core? It's all those things, I think, that make up who we are, and what we're meant to do. Every day when you believe in yourself a little bit more, you find the roadmap gets easier to follow. The direction takes shape, and that one road, that one squiggly line, is yours and you're the only one traveling on it. I think we all have our own map, with our own special squiggly line, and we just have to know when it's time to follow it.

Being Whole (Poem)

I was missing something.
I searched my pockets,
my purse, and even sought to
burrow through my desk.
A piece of me is missing.
Was it this day I lost it
Or has it been long gone?
But what is this piece,
this fragment of my whole?
I am an incomplete jigsaw
lain on the table with a hole
where the missing piece
would perfectly fit.
This defining part
all but the last
In the mystery titled, “Self.”
But what is this
fragment of self-discovery
ready to unveil the truth
of what my heart and soul
has never told my mind.
My purpose, my passion
the answer to who I am
and who I should become.
Can all this be explained
In one tiny bit?
One missing strand?
Ahh, to find a pebble
amidst a sea of stones
that shines just for me.

I think it's time for a Zen day

As I sit in my bed, computer on my lap, across the room there is a book called The Little Zen Companion staring at me while it is propped up, cover out, on my bookshelf. Yes, Zen--enlightenment through meditation, self-contemplation, and intuition. Perhaps the answers come then, when we stop asking them. Imagine the quiet and the solace, when we can let go of the mind chatter that fills us by day, and too often by sleepless night. I remember taking walks in the rain because the streets were quiet, and all you heard was the sound of raindrops hitting the pavement. The birds would be chirping in the trees, happy for the shower so they could preen their pretty wings. Walking is very Zenful. It clears the mind, it releases energy that needs to be released, and then relaxation takes over.

Sometimes I used to lay on the floor of my apartment, flat on my back and listen to Enya or some other New Age music. As I laid there, I would drift out of thought and into a peaceful place. Oftentimes I would be so calm in body and mind, that I would drift off to sleep. I'd wake some time after and be amazed how deep the sleep was. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour, but it was better than any average 8-hour night of sleep.

If only I could pry myself away from my computer long enough to enjoy the pleasure of a Zen day. I think it's time! Is it time for you?

40-Somethings

Soon I will be joining this new group called the 40-somethings, and leaving behind the memories of my 30's. Memories of giving birth, potty training my daughter (took about 2+ years); begging her to stop using the Binkies (She always had two at any time); dealing with the daycare blues (that was me, sad, when I had to leave Aziza at daycare); seeing her off to Kindergarten, 1st grade and 2nd grade; the horrible haircuts I got because I couldn't find a decent hairdresser; and then there's the awful, loser men I met during my 30's that thought they were datable. Thirties, not all bad though: my daughter came into the world (my greatest achievement to date),I decided to go back to school (twice), returned to writing after a long creative hiatus, reconnected with many old friends, took my daughter to Disney World, and I learned to let go of bad relationships.

Moving into the 40's though will be full of many new but maybe not so wonderful things. For instance, the tiny lines around my eyes are here to stay. Even though the Neutrogena Eye Cream is amazing, it doesn't work miracles. Also, I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and she looked at my upcoming age of 40 (in May) and said, "Oh, you need to go get a mammography now that you're going to be 40." Should I have stood up and cheered, "YAY! I'm 40 and now, finally, I can go get that long-awaited mammography!" Not quite. I was more like, "Oh, is it time for that? Great..."

My sister has all these things happening to her now that she's 45, soon to be 46, and she keeps telling me, "Just wait, this will happen to you too." Is she wishing this on me, hexing me? What's the deal with the "Hey, get ready for your 40-somethings doom!" I don't know, you do the best you can to take care of yourself, and then just go with the natural flow of how your body changes. Some things we can fight but some things we just have to say, "Okay, bring it on!"

Not all of becoming 40 is a bad thing. There's this feeling of "Hey, I did it, I made it through the 30-somethings!" With that comes a feeling of liberation and greater acceptance of oneself, as you embrace a new phase in your life. Even better, I've also heard that women in their 40's have the same sex drive of men in their 20's. Wow, maybe my 40's will be the breakthrough decade for me! But wait, does that mean I'll need to be having sex with a 20-somethings so we're on the same playing field? Hmmm, definitely something to think about.

All in all, I feel great as I approach my 40th birthday, knowing that I will be sitting on a beach that weekend, watching the waves roll in and out, admiring the orange glow of the sun setting on the ocean waters, and thinking about how wonderful it feels to be 40.

Coming Soon...

It's Monday and although I was trying to get my paper for government class finished - writing it on the abusive way presidents sign executive orders - I did find some time to choose a new layout for the blog and work a little with adding pics. Google's photo software Picaso is great for making a movie out of your pics or a collage. It has many great features and it was a free download. Highly recommend it.

Anyway, been thinking about what my next topic is going to be and it's on marriage and why you should NOT cheat on your spouse. Being single as long as I have, I've heard it all, and I say don't do it!

Friends Again (Poem)

I was walking along the boardwalk
of that beach I love so much,
The one with the new benches
and quaint lampposts,
when my cell phone rang,
and I almost didn't hear it
over the sounds of waves
rolling in and out.
But it was you on the other end.
We hadn't spoken since
the day I left work for good and
I was so sorry I walked out
Without saying goodbye.
I've missed your smiles and
the way you made me laugh.
Those lunch hours we ate Chinese
and swore our fortune cookies
held our fate.
Remember the Christmas party
and the Latin disco music?
We danced together and
had a night to remember!
I miss those days; you, me,
and silly irresponsibility.
But more, I missed you
and the possibility of having
been more than your friend.
I am so glad you called.

Choosing Fidelity

I have been single for almost eight years. In that time, I have spoken to many men, in the process of dating, and discovered how many people actually cheat on their spouses, which ultimately ends in divorce. After a while, I started to feel like a relationship counselor, as most would talk on and on about what happened to them. The more they spoke, the less interested I was in getting involved in another relationship. Actually, I've always been a huge believer in marriage, having the perfect husband, wonderful children (I do have one of those!), the perfect house, and then living happily ever after. Unfortunately, been married twice and none ended in happily ever after. It was more like happy it's over. But at least I never cheated. I knew he/the marriage was wrong for me and I left him. Oh, I saw the writing on the wall, counseling would have been hard with a predominantly foreign speaking spouse. Communication is what destroyed us. Ironic how I thought it was going to be the highlight. Less talking, more action. Unfortunately, couples need to talk about difficult subjects and command of the same language is pretty necessary.

I don't see though what can be gained by cheating on your spouse? It's a cowardice act as far as I'm concerned. If you're not happy and you're bored with your life, either find a hobby, or sit your partner down and tell them you're having issues. Hey, tell them they're the issue. Don't be a coward and look the other way when you have a responsiblity to tell the person you're married to that you're not happy. Just fess up and don't pretend you can stand it, while you try to find some other part-time pleasure to take away the sting of loneliness in your marriage.

Sure, I understand that once the children come, things change. The closeness slowly dissolves,there is less time to be alone, and the responsiblities and priorities change, making people change over time. We definitely become these other people when we take on the roles of parents, but making intimate, romantic, real communication time with your spouse needs to be high priority. You have to connect in order to stay connected, right?

No matter what is going on, cheating isn't the answer. Searching for someone else, someone who can give you moments of temporary pleasure that will only result in hurting your spouse and your family, and most of all, you will be hurting. The damage is irreparable. Maybe you think you can do it, they won't find out, just talking to someone isn't so bad, I need someone to talk to. Then you think, "What's a little harmless sex chat, we're not physically doing anything?" Where do you think that leads to? It's not a good place. There's lying, hiding, deception, and when it all comes out in the light, the trust is gone.

I was dating a man recently - or trying to make a go of it - but his wife had cheated on him almost two years before that. He was a mess inside. Angry and bitter, and would talk about what happenend to everyone and anyone who would listen. It's understandable, his wife was not fair in this cheating thing - not that cheating is ever fair play - but she decided to cheat with their neighbor who was also married. In a small town, word traveled fast and it was quickly becoming his word against hers, and they were both trying to make the other look bad. This man is hurt so bad, I don't know when he'll ever trust again, or be able to have a relationship where every other word out of his mouth is not about the ex who cheated on him. Plus, it ruined the relationship with his 16-year old son because he needed his son to side with him, tell his mother what she did was wrong. You can't put the kid in the middle like that, he's hurting too. Point here is, she should have confessed her unhappiness to him before she had the affair. Given him a chance, and the marriage a chance to be healed at that point.

I don't think I'll ever marry again. Not in the cards for me, but if I did, I would make sure that I was nothing but honest with that person. If we had children together and I feared breaking up the family, then maybe marriage counseling is the way to go. You have to find the source of contention, the loneliness you feel within the couple, the boredom, and more often than not, the anger you feel towards your spouse. And if it turns out that you can't get past the issues, or there's been too much change to go back, then you deal with that the best way you can. But don't cheat - be honest, give your spouse the respect and benefit they deserve. If life decides to take the two of you in different directions, seek there to find the happiness you lost.