Choosing Fidelity

I have been single for almost eight years. In that time, I have spoken to many men, in the process of dating, and discovered how many people actually cheat on their spouses, which ultimately ends in divorce. After a while, I started to feel like a relationship counselor, as most would talk on and on about what happened to them. The more they spoke, the less interested I was in getting involved in another relationship. Actually, I've always been a huge believer in marriage, having the perfect husband, wonderful children (I do have one of those!), the perfect house, and then living happily ever after. Unfortunately, been married twice and none ended in happily ever after. It was more like happy it's over. But at least I never cheated. I knew he/the marriage was wrong for me and I left him. Oh, I saw the writing on the wall, counseling would have been hard with a predominantly foreign speaking spouse. Communication is what destroyed us. Ironic how I thought it was going to be the highlight. Less talking, more action. Unfortunately, couples need to talk about difficult subjects and command of the same language is pretty necessary.

I don't see though what can be gained by cheating on your spouse? It's a cowardice act as far as I'm concerned. If you're not happy and you're bored with your life, either find a hobby, or sit your partner down and tell them you're having issues. Hey, tell them they're the issue. Don't be a coward and look the other way when you have a responsiblity to tell the person you're married to that you're not happy. Just fess up and don't pretend you can stand it, while you try to find some other part-time pleasure to take away the sting of loneliness in your marriage.

Sure, I understand that once the children come, things change. The closeness slowly dissolves,there is less time to be alone, and the responsiblities and priorities change, making people change over time. We definitely become these other people when we take on the roles of parents, but making intimate, romantic, real communication time with your spouse needs to be high priority. You have to connect in order to stay connected, right?

No matter what is going on, cheating isn't the answer. Searching for someone else, someone who can give you moments of temporary pleasure that will only result in hurting your spouse and your family, and most of all, you will be hurting. The damage is irreparable. Maybe you think you can do it, they won't find out, just talking to someone isn't so bad, I need someone to talk to. Then you think, "What's a little harmless sex chat, we're not physically doing anything?" Where do you think that leads to? It's not a good place. There's lying, hiding, deception, and when it all comes out in the light, the trust is gone.

I was dating a man recently - or trying to make a go of it - but his wife had cheated on him almost two years before that. He was a mess inside. Angry and bitter, and would talk about what happenend to everyone and anyone who would listen. It's understandable, his wife was not fair in this cheating thing - not that cheating is ever fair play - but she decided to cheat with their neighbor who was also married. In a small town, word traveled fast and it was quickly becoming his word against hers, and they were both trying to make the other look bad. This man is hurt so bad, I don't know when he'll ever trust again, or be able to have a relationship where every other word out of his mouth is not about the ex who cheated on him. Plus, it ruined the relationship with his 16-year old son because he needed his son to side with him, tell his mother what she did was wrong. You can't put the kid in the middle like that, he's hurting too. Point here is, she should have confessed her unhappiness to him before she had the affair. Given him a chance, and the marriage a chance to be healed at that point.

I don't think I'll ever marry again. Not in the cards for me, but if I did, I would make sure that I was nothing but honest with that person. If we had children together and I feared breaking up the family, then maybe marriage counseling is the way to go. You have to find the source of contention, the loneliness you feel within the couple, the boredom, and more often than not, the anger you feel towards your spouse. And if it turns out that you can't get past the issues, or there's been too much change to go back, then you deal with that the best way you can. But don't cheat - be honest, give your spouse the respect and benefit they deserve. If life decides to take the two of you in different directions, seek there to find the happiness you lost.