What's with all the yelling? Seriously?

We went to the book fair/ice cream social tonight at my daughter's school. Aziza had her friend Lily over, so I took them both. I hadn't been to many school functions in a while, and it was nice to get out and see familiar faces. I know they say that you should maintain contacts and get out to network and socialize when you're unemployed, but the last few months I was feeling a little introverted. Not to mention, it's hard when people know you're unemployed and ask how that's going and did I find a new job yet? I tried to avoid that. Things have since changed, and I'm officially back to work as of this coming Monday!

Aziza picked out a few more Hannah Montana chapter books. She loves them now after getting a few for her birthday back in March. She loves to read and I try to encourage with books that challenge her reading abilities, and with stories that keep her interested. What 8-year-old girl doesn't like Hannah Montana anyway?

It was nice, the girls got their books and a poster for each of them, and we all had ice cream while sitting with another mom and her daughter, who is one of Aziza's best friends. While I was sitting and chatting with the mom, there was a mother at a nearby table screaming across the cafeteria at her kids to "get over here right now because we're leaving!" All the kids were playing, no one was really out of hand, and not to mention, it had somewhat emptied out and many had left to go home. Aziza's friend's mom and I looked over as soon as we heard her yell, and then tried to conceal our laughter. The mother was clearly just yelling like she always yells, I'm sure. She sounded pretty fierce for someone who has a 3rd grader and a kindergartener.

What's all the yelling for anyway? It was a beautiful, almost summer-like night, the kids were able to pick out some books they enjoy reading, and there was free ice cream for everyone. How can you have a problem there? I mean, even if you have problems - and we all do - let them go for that short period of time and just enjoy the moment. We just shook our heads in disbelief, thinking the same thing - how ridiculous! And not for nothing, but I did hear that mother yell at her kids when they were picking out books too. Seriously, what's with all the yelling?

Aside from the one screaming mother, it was a nice time for everyone!

The Word No

I don't know about you, but when someone tells me no way, sorry, nope, can't do that, or just plain no, I'm pretty certain whatever it is, I'm not getting it or it's not happenning. And I think it takes quite a long time to grapple with this, come to terms with the fact that we can oftentimes be powerless in situations that are important to us, where someone else controls that outcome.

It could be requesting time off from work for a special trip or day's event you might have coming up, it might be wanting an application for something to go through sooner than you've been told it will, it could be finding out that you have been denied a loan or entry into a school you had your heart set on. It could be any number of things really where we're told, "No, I'm sorry." And sometimes they tack on that "I'm sorry" but does it help? Not really. But as adults, we hope anyway, we have come to accept that life will oftentimes have moments of disappointment, or other times when we just don't get what we want. Internally we may be whining and wanted to yell or cry or react out loud, but this is a learned behavior to accept what it means when someone tells you no.

Unfortunately, it's not that simple when it comes to children. They want what they want and they are unconcerned with "why" they can't have it. And yes, they will act out, they will beg and whine, they will get angry and throw fits, or they will attempt to overthrow your authority and demand that you say yes. Not likely but I have to admit, there have been times when I've been pushed so far that I've caved. The battle is too much to bear sometimes. And of course, there has to be some yes in the face of all the no's that kids are subject to. It's not because we like to say no to them, but it's for their own good, or because they can't have and do everything they want or that pops into their heads. But making them understand the word no is not easy. I always say, "If I say no, that means I mean no." It doesn't mean that I'm going to change my mind to yes when you beg, whine and yell.

For example, Aziza asked me just yesterday if she could have a sleepover last night at her friend's house. It was Thursday, it was a school night, and honestly, she shouldn't have asked in the first place. She should really know better. But she pushed and pushed as far as she could. Of course, I refused to budge, trying to keep saying no, maintaining my calm and humor, despite the fact that she is relentless. Shouldn't saying no be clearly understood as No? If you've ever caved even once and changed your answer to yes in the face of the yes/no controversy, they have amazing memories for that stuff, and will do their best to yield similar results. But in reality, such a small word, that should carry so much more weight, has been redefined as weak as kids try to constantly overcome it, and get you to change it to yes.

Keep it consistent and keep explaining why it's no and hopefully they'll get it. We remember hearing no as a child from our parents, our teachers, or anyone that could disappoint us, but we learned that this small little word of no creeps up more than we'd like but we deal with it. And I know my daughter will get it, it's just a matter of when??

First Day of Training

Wow, I didn't realize just how much accounting work would be required at my new job, and no, I'm not complaining in the least, just thinking of all I'll be learning. Today I got quite an earful from the person I am replacing, Mary Jo. Nice, nice lady, but has been there 11 years and I think she just wants to quit working full-time. We covered lots of ground today in the 3 hours I was there, and it was exciting absorbing it all, feeling like a sponge. There's nothing worse than not being able to understand what someone is trying to explain to you, where you become confused and unsure. Luckily, it went much smoother than that. Whew!

I'm actually very pleased that someone is training me and walking me through everything. Many positions I've held in the past, I had to train myself, and it just made getting into the job that much more challenging. I'm sure with this job there will be a lot of "Huh?" and "Yikes! How do I do that?" but I think, ultimately, it will all fall into place. I feel confident about that.

But I can't seem to ignore the small little dig-like comments Mary Jo has made about Tom, my new boss, her soon-to-be ex-boss. It makes me wonder what's the real reason she's leaving. Wonder if she'll confide in me before her last day on Friday. Oh well, I've got bigger fish to fry - learning time and billing, remembering payables and receivables, preparing lengthy financial statements(ugh!!), all while becoming super friendly with Peachtree accounting software. Learning something new is always a challenge, but it can be a fun one. I see very good but slightly bumpy roads ahead!

A new job... FINALLY!

When I got laid off from IBM after Thanksgiving last year, I was glad to be getting some time off but concerned about how much time that would be. Knowing how the economy has been, and the fact that this area of Broome County, NY is not exactly dripping with jobs for the recently unemployed, I was definitely concerned, maybe a touch worried. I stayed hopeful and optimistic, and applied for everything that I seemed remotely qualified for. However, there seemed to be fewer and fewer jobs to apply for.

So yeah, I've been thinking of relocating to the Albany area(much better economy!), which I've mentioned on here in an earlier post, but I am very happy to say that we won't have to. I am so lucky to have landed an administrative position in a small CPA firm right here in town. My daughter nearly burst one of my eardrums when she screamed with sheer thrill! She LOVES this town, her friends, her school, and everything and anything else about it.

I'm content now, I'm on calm waters, stable ground. There's nothing worse than fearing your own financial demise, as you go through your savings praying it will carry you long enough to find new work. I'm fortunate that we didn't have to go that far, and my unemployment carried us.

With my birthday coming next week, and yes folks, it's my 40th, I can feel free to go out and buy myself something special! Feeling very grateful today!!

So Proud!

Aziza came home from school today with this last quarter's report card, and I couldn't be happier! Not only is she excelling in all her 2nd grade academics, but her teacher highly praised her writing abilities, and her storytelling skills. She appreciates how Aziza understands how to use different types of punctuation to strengthen her stories. She says her stories are funny and well-written.













I am surely a proud mommy today!

What Kind of Religion Do You Need?

Next week Aziza has to attend her friend's communion ceremony. I think it will be the first time she's ever been in a church. We don't attend obviously, and it's not because I'm of another faith, but because I'm somewhat averse to all the religions. I do have my spiritual beliefs, closely resembling Buddhism, and they don't include the need for church. I've tried it in my past, attended one of those all-in-one brand of Christian churches. Their incorporation and acceptance of all faiths seems the most logical.

I once joined a church. It was in Elmhurst, Queens and it was called New Life Fellowship. They had a corporate organizational structure, great singers and musicians, and the pastor was youthful, energetic, and on the money in a lot of ways. He brought the ideas of faith into everyday modern situations. He was easy to relate to and connect with in his sermons.

I went alone every Sunday and sat quietly in the back waiting for the pastor to begin. I liked what he had to say, and at that time I was looking for someone to say just the right thing to me to pull me out of my funk, my dream state. Someone to show me the real world and then tell me how to deal with it. It was a good place, and although I somewhat dragged myself there, it felt right.

Until one day, too many people were curious about me, like they decided today was the day they were going to recruit me officially. People came up to me asking if I wanted to attend church meetings at their homes, or join their bible study class. I appreciated the offers but when they said I would make a great evangelist and wanted me to consider joining the group, I knew it was time to go. I attended one more time, I think, but sat up in the balcony section so they couldn't easily approach me. After that, I decided if I had to hide from them, I'd never be able to simply come and get what I needed. My needs were basic: to listen and hear the insight.

I never really attended church again, although I spent quite a lot of time sitting in Catholic Churches when it was quiet and empty. The high ceilings and almost haunting acoustics in Catholic Churches are ironically soothing, especially in one particular church, Our Lady Queen of Martyrs in Forest Hills, NY. In that church it was easy to find solace. It was there that I discovered that true religion, or spirituality, is at its greatest in times of true silence.

Aziza has mentioned that she believes in God and Heaven. She believes that in Heaven you can travel very fast, go anywhere you want, but you can't have your favorite snacks anymore. She says that's okay though because you really don't feel like you need them. I was so happy to hear her tell me this one day. I thought, "How does she know that? I never told her that." Maybe in little bits here and there, but never a real discussion on it. I just told her, "You're absolutely right, Aziza."

Emotional Writing

Writing poetry can be a beautiful experience, feeling the words so deeply as they pour out onto the page. There is a real emotional connection with the words in poetry, and in the fullness of the entire expression. Because the expression is so brief, it is more comprehensive and intense. The words don't leave you conversationally, like slowly oozing out, but instead, every word has a distinct purpose and meaning, in which you feel each one. I've experienced the feeling of completeness at times when a poem was finished, and then other times I cried because the magnitude of emotions compacted into twenty or thirty short lines can be emotionally overwhelming.

Before I began writing on this blog, my only outlet was poetry. I barely wrote any prose. I thought why do I want to write prose when I can say it so perfectly, so succinctly, and with all the imagery and intensity I need the words to have to tell my tale. Lately though, I feel as if I'm having more of a relationship with the words than mere brief intimate affairs - how I would characterize the experience of writing a poem. I'm enjoying the dance and the conversation that prose allows for in writing.

Writing prose is somewhat new to me, but reminiscent of when I used to journal write every day, almost all day. I didn't let anything go by without recording it somewhere. I'd carry a notebook with me on the train, while I sat at the library, when I sat at the park, everywhere really. Especially late at night was when the real thought began and I would just write endlessly. It was a part of me; it was me pouring out my emotions and reactions to the world around me, and the world within me. Everything just seemed so significant, I didn't want to leave one tiny bit out. I literally went through tons of notebooks in a 2-year time. Probably why I have so much trouble holding a pen and writing now. My handwriting is deplorable! Thank goodness for my laptop!

Prose writing seems to soothe the soul and it also excites the soul. Every day I wake up thinking "What should I write about today?" I can't wait to express something new. I'll be at the grocery store or driving in the car, and I'll be thinking of ideas. Sometimes I just love the act of typing and seeing the thoughts come to life, where words are not just words anymore. They are like allies and we're a team, as they help shape the story, share the feeling, and express ideas and visions. Am I a fiction writer? Probably not. Real life excites me, and the ability to take real life, share it, and have it mean something for others. That's what I love about writing. Not so much to entertain people, but to share and connect with them.

Poetry is and has been a true love of mine, as writing it has guided me out of some dark emotions, helping me free myself of them. However, I am suddenly infatuated with the friendship that prose offers me. Allowing me to talk and express feelings, situations, observations, or just be able to banter on about the absurdities of life, and we know there are many. The words in prose have the time for that, as do good friends.